the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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