In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
