I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
