yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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