It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
