I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
