My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I want you more than these girls want KFC
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
