The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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