I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it's like iHOP with fire
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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