My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
