Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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