You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize