a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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