I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
