i think i have two assholes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize