one might say we're banned from that church
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
