you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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