the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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