guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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