The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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