After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
