so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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