I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
