WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize