I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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