Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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