omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
