i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
