i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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