oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
