Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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