she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
