I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
