I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jerry, you need to find god
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize