You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
