I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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