i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
