She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
