The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
