so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ttyl tear gas
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
