I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
