I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
