i need an iv and a liver transplant
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
