She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
