Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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