If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
