margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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