you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
