Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
