I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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