I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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