I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Damn victory sex feels great
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