So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
