Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
