nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
