Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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