Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
