on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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