i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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