god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
