My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
