i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
