you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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