So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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