wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
