You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
