Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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